Fresh from the faculty lounges, MSNBC green rooms, and the group chats of former Biden interns who still haven’t deleted “Resist” from their bios. Here’s what they’re really saying today:
When they whine that they’re “deeply concerned about the politicization of the military,” they mean a combat vet who hates drag-queen story hour might actually run the Pentagon. Abort mission!
When they declare “Pete Hegseth is unfit to lead because of anonymous allegations from 2017,” they mean they dug through eight years of dirt and the worst they could find was that he once drank two beers at a tailgate. Panic!
When they chant “no one is above accountability,” they mean except Hunter, Fang-Fang’s boyfriend, and every sanctuary-city mayor currently releasing murderers with a smile and a bus ticket.
When they scream “this is a threat to our democratic institutions,” they mean Trump is about to fire half the bureaucracy and they’re out of government jobs and scented candles.
When they demand we “wait for all the facts on the Venezuelan boat strike,” they mean please give us 72 hours to Photoshop some civilians onto that narco boat.
When they shriek that “reproductive healthcare is under attack,” they mean they’re mad that tax dollars might stop paying for abortions up to the moment of college graduation.
When they insist “the border is secure and humane,” they mean they just flew another 300 got-aways into Ohio at 3 a.m. You’re welcome, swing state!When they lecture that “climate change is the existential threat of our time,” they mean ignore the private jets in Dubai and keep paying carbon taxes so they can buy more beachfront property.
When they preach “equity demands we defund the police,” they mean equity demands your 80-year-old grandma gets punched in the face so they can film it for TikTok.
When they hiss that “Elon Musk is a threat to free speech,” they mean a billionaire they don’t control bought the town square. Democracy dies in daylight!When they smugly proclaim “we believe in science,” they mean they believe in whatever the Pfizer rep texted them this week.
When they warn that “this nomination will take us back to the dark ages,” they mean we might have to salute the flag and say “Merry Christmas” again. Literally 1939.
When they call themselves “joyful warriors,” they mean they’re going to cry on camera for four straight years but call it activism.
And finally, when they plead “let’s tone down the rhetoric,” they mean shut up while we call you a fascist for four years, then clutch pearls when you quote us verbatim.
You’re welcome, America.
Come back tomorrow; the word salad is already wilting in the fridge.— The Democrat Translation Service: Turning progressive gibberish into English since the day they invented the word “Latinx.”
Come back tomorrow; the word salad is already wilting in the fridge.— The Democrat Translation Service: Turning progressive gibberish into English since the day they invented the word “Latinx.”
CLICK HERE FOR COMMENTS