(Single-shot, extra-crispy, because your aunt on Instagram already hit her daily limit of emotional support slurs) Word: Decolonize
Phonetic: /diːˈkɒl.ə.naɪz/ (or just scream it while throwing oat-milk lattes at a statue, same effect)
Definition (2025 activist usage):
Magical incantation that instantly transforms anything you personally dislike—Thanksgiving turkey, algebra, the concept of rent, indoor plumbing, the Oxford comma—into a hate crime against indigenous grandmothers who definitely asked a 23-year-old from Portland to speak for them. Bonus: the more removed you are from actual colonization (geographically, historically, or bathingly), the louder you’re allowed to shriek it.
Magical incantation that instantly transforms anything you personally dislike—Thanksgiving turkey, algebra, the concept of rent, indoor plumbing, the Oxford comma—into a hate crime against indigenous grandmothers who definitely asked a 23-year-old from Portland to speak for them. Bonus: the more removed you are from actual colonization (geographically, historically, or bathingly), the louder you’re allowed to shriek it.
Origin story:
Started as a legitimate academic term for, y’know, actual countries leaving actual colonies. Then Tumblr discovered it in 2018, added glitter and a Palestine flag filter, and by 2022 it was being used to demand the immediate return of Texas… to Spain… who got it from Mexico… who got it from the Comanche… who took it from the Apache. (Don’t think about that part; thinking is colonial.)2025 advanced rules:
Started as a legitimate academic term for, y’know, actual countries leaving actual colonies. Then Tumblr discovered it in 2018, added glitter and a Palestine flag filter, and by 2022 it was being used to demand the immediate return of Texas… to Spain… who got it from Mexico… who got it from the Comanche… who took it from the Apache. (Don’t think about that part; thinking is colonial.)2025 advanced rules:
- Decolonize your bookshelf → throw out everything written by white people (starting with the works of Karl Marx, obviously).
- Decolonize your diet → quinoa is out again because apparently Bolivian farmers hate money now.
- Decolonize your mind → pay $900 for a weekend retreat run by a white woman with dreadlocks who hasn’t paid rent since Occupy Wall Street.
Example in the wild:
“Sorry I’m late to the land-back protest, I was busy decolonizing my sleep schedule by refusing to acknowledge time zones invented by white supremacy. Also can someone spot me $20 for Uber? My Venmo is literally @DecolonizeMyStudentLoans.”Use it in a sentence today and you’ve officially absolved yourself of ever having to solve an actual problem again. You’re not lazy; you’re healing the world.
Sgt K and Lisa at Whatfinger News
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